Kaiba · Corporation

I would like to start this one off with a disclaimer. I'm not really picking on this kid here. He IS only in first grade, and I've witnessed some far stupider things than the events that took place below. I just found it humorous enough to share. Anyway, I'd like to title this one:
 
"It's ok because he can't see me"
 
Woah, it's ok because he can't see me???
 
I wasn't sure what to think when he pulled that one on me. I'm well aware that many species of animals hold the belief that if you can't see someone, they can't see you. This whole concept is even what makes "peek-a-boo" so much fun with newborns. Developmentally, they haven't matured enough to grasp certain abstract concepts. This particular one being that if you covered your face, you truly disappear, making your sudden "reappearance" quite miraculous. Cue the baby giggle, followed by the adults inability to dispel the cuteness, forcing them perform the peek-a-boo sequence again to appease their yearn for the baby's subsequent giggle. A vicious cycle, truly. Babies have a hypnotic power I believe only chinchilla's, baby bunnies, and falling ducklings could match (Oh! Wook at dose fwapping wittle arms! Fwy duckwing, fwy!).
 
To backtrack slightly, the first grade class I was subbing for was extremely energized. Not because they had a sub, nor because free time was right around the corner. It's because it was a Thursday. And, as all teachers know, the extreme excitement of students displayed on a Thursday can really only be matched on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. In all their chatty-goodness, I hear one boy continue to exclaim (loudly) "oh my God!" I suppose I felt motivated at the time, because I decided to address this. There are many other schools I've worked in where that comment wouldn't have struck me as something to poke my two-sense into, but those schools weren't private nor stressed Christian values.  Plus, with the exception of using the good Lord's name in vain, the worst I've heard at this school was "suck,*" so I figured I'd nip this one in the bud before the student got into the habit of using the phrase too often. 
 
"Excuse me, it's 'gosh'"
 
Simple fix. The kid apologized, then continued his conversation with another student. Of course, following up with "oh my God!"
 
I sighed. Then approached the kids and asked if they know why I bothered to correct them in the first place.
 
Kid: "Yes, because it's one of the ten commandments."
 
Well, at least they knew the reason. But then I realized that if they are familiar with why they shouldn't use the phrase, it made no sense as to why they continued to use it. This is where the student looked at me like I was some kind of idiot and pointed out we were indoors. Had I not known that, I believe the kid would have every right to look at me like that. I was, in fact, very certain that we were indoors. I was still missing something. Continuing our conversation, I realize that this particular first grader is under the belief that the 10 commandments don't really apply indoors, because God can't see us. Um, peek-a-boo? God can't see us through walls? Unless God flew around in tights and the walls were made of lead, I don't quite follow the argument.
 
I would be PERFECTLY FINE if he was a little athiest in the making and simply beleived that it didn't matter. But nope. He believes in a being with phenomenal cosmic power who knows all but whose one weakness is a half-inch piece of drywall.
 
On a side note, does this mean we can be all pro-christian and still commit murder, alultery, gluttony, and all sorts of other randy activities as long as we do it inside?
 
 
*(In context, if you must know, was something like "Hey Mr. Donnelly, your NJ Devil's suck!").

A few years back when I decided to become a teacher, I was asked what grade level I wanted to focus on. I have grown up with kids of all ages and have worked with a variety of age groups at that point and I still didn't have a definitive answer. "No problem" said the head of the intern department. I was accepted into a two-year co-teaching program that helped foot the bill for my graduate degree. She had stated that I would be put into two different elementary grade levels during my two-year stay and that I should have a better idea of what I wanted to do long term after the experiences. Sounded logical enough. Sixth grade and second grade. Two completely different groups of kids as far as maturity and academics. The teaching experiences were worlds apart, but both very positive.* Unfortunately by the end of my stay, I still didn't have a clear idea of where I wanted to wind up in the long run.

Fast forward to this year. I am now a science teacher for elementary students in New York City. It works out really well because, if asked what subject I'm the biggest fan of, it would be science hands down. My job is really quite flexible due to the fact that the science classes I teach only take up half of the week, leaving me to be a roaming substitute for the other half. It's been working out extremely well thus far.

Then I was asked to sub for a first grade teacher for a few days. Simple enough. I've had experience helping pre-k-ers through 8th grade and I've successfully been the homeroom teacher for second and sixth from the last two years. No worries. I meet up with the teacher, review the lesson plans, and make sure I'm familiar with the material (not too difficult based on the fact that they're first graders).

Fast forward a little further. My subbing experience with the little darlings is now complete and I have a chance to reflect on my experience. I pull out the mental checklist:

Loss of sanity? Check.

False assumption that just because there's only a one year difference between this age and the grade I've taught for a year they should be similar? Check.

Better understanding of the age groups I'm willing to teach in the long term? A Google Checks.

I think the realization that this was not the best age for my patien... err... teaching style dawned on me early in the day. Class numero uno. Reading. Yup. Turns out they can't read. I'm over-exagerating of course. They can all recognize their names. Although it's a bit difficult to run a class on READING when all the words the students understand is "Oliver" and "Nicholas" (srsly, what happened 5-7 years ago that made these names so freaking popular?!?). I know it's not their fault they're illiterate. Oops, sorry. PREliterate. Must be politically correct despite the strict definition of the term. I guess I've always taken for granted the freedom that writing directions on the board allows me to have. Although a bit of a let-down, their academic "strengths" were not really what cinched it. It all came down to maturity. Just a one year difference between them and second grade, but it might as well have been three. Or five. Or fivehundred, whatever, I'm not picky. I only started to realize the difference at the end of the second class. Exhibit A:

Me: ...and that is how you do "mental" math. Any questions?
Kid1: Soandso keeps touching my weiner!
Me (Knowing this isn't a math question, not knowing ANY names, not wishing to single kids out, and not wishing to EVER use the word "weiner" outloud): This goes for everybody in the class. You MUST keep your hands to yourself. Remember your (Insert School name here) values!
Soandso: Don't be a tattletale.
Kid 1: Soandso called me a tattletale!

I'd like to pause here for a moment and clarify something. If you're in 6th grade or older and you complain that someone is calling you a tattletale, I'd most likely lose my job because I'd smack you. Like, hard. Across the face. If you're in 3rd - 5th grade I'd blatantly point out that, yes indeed, you ARE a tattletale. Depending if I like you or not, I might try to make you cry. 2nd grade is more difficult. I would use the mystic power of teaching to make you realize how silly what you just said meant all while respecting your feelings. It can be done. I've used it before. Powerful magic. 1st grade is a tough call though. I have no idea how to approach that one. I think I've repremanded Soandso for namecalling or whatever, only to have a completely different set of boys begin playing with each others wieners on the other side of the room. My math class turned out to be a lecture on keeping our hands to ourselves.

I was later informed by my dahling wife that asking touchy kids to "keep their hands to themselves" might still be problematic. Although I agree with this assessment, I'm also aware that as a teacher I must pick my battles. Call me old fashioned, but I'm willing to overlook a kid with his hands in his pants when he's competing with kids with hands down their neighbors pants. And right before lunch.

So in a nutshell, I signed on to teach and walked away knowing full well all I managed to accomplish was a successful bout of babysitting. It probably would be a little easier if I knew their names but taking this into account I know full well that when asked "...and what grade would you like to teach?" I'd say "I would probably be most comfortable in second grade or older." This is my polite answer and something I might relay to a boss. The exact phrase I'd be playing out in my head certainly doesn't involve "probably" and might be a little darker. Perhaps following up my inner thoughts with an ultimatum that include a lot of shiny and sharp objects involving those who sign me up for further babysitting dates.

Yay for learning something new each day.

*The actual teaching experience was very positive. Many issues came up during my stay, but not relevant to this particular tale.